Christmas Contemplation
by intensedreams
Summary: She doesn't think she will every quite fully accept this: her family.


Yeah it's a fairly sober christmas story that i didn't feel like posting at actual christmas and then I forgot about until now.  
Set after Emma's little time-adventure, but before Ingrid gets to work, s passing mention of Robin &amp; Marion.  
I don't have a beta so all mistakes are my own :)

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She doesn't think she will every quite fully accept this: her family. She spent so long, **so** long fighting, raging, hating… being twisted into a glorious creature as dark as night, and now, if she tries to look at herself in the mirror, she can barely recognise the woman looking back.

It is _definitely_ not a bad thing, she knows this. She bathes in the light that she finds herself living in these days, the peace, the… the love… She can barely comprehend it. She tasted it once, when Henry was little, and it was just her and him, son and mother, with no interest in the outside world other than what little pleasures they could gain from it. She remembers those days with such tight fondness, remembers his little hand slipping, trusting, into her bigger one. Remembers his open smiles and bright eyes.

She remembers how over time, those bright eyes darkened and wouldn't meet hers without coercion. She remembers him pulling away, withdrawing, and disappearing on her, like everyone she had ever cared about. She remembers clamping down on the black rage that taunted her, tried to ensnare her once more as her happy ending started slipping from her once more. That feeling of despair sneaking back in whilst she wasn't looking.

She remembers with a touch of amusement and fondness the force of nature that was Emma Swan bursting into her life, jarring _everything_. She remembers feeling like she was waking up, feeling alive for the first time in years, remembers blood pumping through her arteries, her body singing like it used to. She remembers the fear. The fear that the blonde was going to take everything and leave her in the dark.

She remembers that threat hanging over her for a long time, in spite of reassurance from the blonde herself. And she remembers the utter surprise she felt when she realized she _trusted_ Emma – implicitly, out of nowhere. When she kept trusting her, even after she felt like her whole world was tilting on its axis once again with Robin and Marion and New York.

She remembers Henry's eyes, gradually brightening again, turning back towards her, his slight frame clinging to hers willingly, his love, radiating from him once again.

She sighs resignedly as she remembers conversations and truths from Snow, actions steeped in care from David…

She sighs…

There is an apocalypse of food and drink and _stuff_ everywhere in her house, their house. Twinkling lights of the tens of thousands of decorations Emma and Henry decked their home in, smirking at each other at Regina's huffs of 'that is not tasteful' and 'what the hell is that meant to be'. Not that she ever had the power to really argue with the two of them anymore when they united.

She still doesn't think she will ever manage to become truly comfortable, safe in the knowledge that she will have them forever. She doesn't trade in 'forevers', she's been kicked too many times by fate and others decisions to have that Charming-like optimism. What she does know is that for her family, for Henry, for the two idiots… and for darling, beautiful, glorious Emma… she will fight tooth and nail to keep them safe and happy.

"Hey," Emma grasps the silent brunettes shoulder firmly, "Are you ok? You've been quiet on us for a while?"

It takes Regina a moment to come out of her musings, tilting her head up to the blonde angel. She smiles, breathing in her love. "I'm fine, Emma," ducks her head at Emma's raised eyebrow and continues quietly, "I'm just thinking about everything that brought us to this point."

Emma slips the hand from her shoulder down to her hand and gently tugs Regina to her feet.

"Whoa, that is far too deep for Christmas… come to bed, it's late. Snow is asleep and Dad is playing video games with Henry… Come to bed?" The younger woman presses a kiss to Regina's forehead, something that always seems odd when you thought about who they were but always felt _right_, and turns to bid goodnight to the others.

They make their way up to Regina's bedroom, fingers tangled together, and Emma seems to take it in her stride that Regina is not quite all there, and slowly, gently dresses them both for bed. She pulls the reticent brunette into the bed beside her, slinging and arm around a slender midriff and settles her chin on a tense shoulder.

"I'm here you know, we are all here, and we are not going anywhere"

Regina gasps at Emma's never ending ability to get straight to the root of her. She turns in the Saviours strong, strong arms, lips ghosting across the ones in front of her before she buries her face in Emma's neck. "You can't know that, Emma." She wills the tears that are threatening to spill away, annoyed ever so slightly that she never has the ability to have any walls around her love anymore.

Those arms tighten around her, Emma's chin rubs idly at the top of her head.

"Ok, you got me. I promise, I will never _want_ to go anywhere… without you and Henry. I will fight _everyday_ to see your face when I wake up, and I will never tire of that eyebrow of condescension," Emma grins at Regina's huff against her shoulder.

"Idiot," The brunette mutters, stifling a yawn. Her heart hurts from the weight of the love she feels from her family. It's her burden, one she will carry gladly if it means living in the light of the ones she loves.

"Merry Christmas Regina"

The blonde smiles at the mumbled reply she receives from the other woman, her breathing already evening out. Emma understands Regina, understands the fears she has. She has spent a lot of her life alone, not making attachments, suffering those she decides to let in being torn away. It's why she will readily promise to the woman she loves that she will never leave her, she will fight every day to be with her, because she doesn't want Regina to leave _her_.


End file.
